There are always things I think I should write about. Important things. Stupid things. Amusing things. Stuff about things. But then I don’t. I figure, who’s going to read it? But that’s not the right way to look at it. I dig writing. I dig writing just for the sake of writing. Writing for me. For the void. For the moment and for tomorrow. Writing for others is all well and fine, and yes, I do that with some of my other blogs that real life people do read, but the world is so stuff full of words everywhere that most people who write can’t expect to be read unless they are (or are introduced by someone who is) already established, notorious, or deeply embedded within a community of sorts.
…but this isn’t meant to be a post about writing, getting noticed, or any other pro blogger tip thingy. It is a post about remembering its ok to write just for the hell of it. Remembering this reminds me of who I am. Remembering who I am helps me deal with the ever present wave of horror, despair, hate and injustice that forever hangs above the world threatening to brake upon anyone that dares to look at it. Remember who you are. Remember that yes, some people hate you for just being alive, that yes, just being alive hurts others. Remember that some people are ignorant, bigoted fucks, but also that sometimes it is you who is ignorant.
So, I thought that whole, “I woke up one day and realised I was over him/her/it”, was a bunch of malarkey, but that’s a fairly accurate account of how I feel right now. I’m not sure when exactly it happened but the roller coaster seems to be petering out (really truly), and has been for some time. Generally, I like roller coasters but that one got old damn quick. Psychic emo rides are the sort of thing only drama queens and masochists can derive any joy from.
The booze and slobbing about period has lapsed back into my native state of booze-and-slobbing-about-lite, which has always been a more productive space. I’ve never managed to attain the dubious title of “drunken master” in any of my pursuits. A little extra lubrication rarely hurts, though that is indeed a very slippery slope that can easily result in pizza and zom-coms (or whatever) for the ill-disciplined and vulnerable.
Who else finds those “getting to know you” sessions awkward and painful? Maybe it’s just me but whether it be for study, work, or just about anything else this part of the orientation has me looking for emergency escape routes. In short, it has the exact opposite of its intended effect.
HR goon/tutor/etc: “Stand up and tell us about yourself. Don’t be shy. No one’s going to judge you.”
Me: Umm, no thanks.
HR goon/tutor/etc: “Ok, fantastic! Let’s all break up into groups by favourite colour and penis size for awkward bonding activities which are designed to be stupid and disarming.”
Me: Fuck my life.
This time around there was none of that awful anxiety. Maybe I’m just chilling the fuck out in my old age, or maybe being in a room with other awkward geeks and creative types blunted the harsh edge of “getting to know you” politics. Sure, the group wasn’t uniformly anxious and dysfunctional, but these are my people… more-or-less. It also helped a lot that the first round of introductions was simply, “name, and last video game you played”. Our disarming group activity was building structures with marshmallows and spaghetti. How can you go wrong?
The fun rolled on with party games on a huge projection screen in the foyer. Strangers facing off in Joust and the innuendo laden Pole Riders resulted in much laughter and applause.
Down to Business, Maya Style
After a barbecue lunch (which I ditched in favour of a much-needed coffee) it was down to business with the first introductory classes. It was slightly amusing but more painful listening to the tutors struggling to explain fundamental principles such as UV mapping and rigging. Some of the explanations were a feat of linguistic contortion, and likely left those new to the concepts supremely confused. To be fair, these can be hard to explain off the top of your head.
As I suspected, Maya is the 3D software we use in class. My first impressions of Maya: what the fucking fuck? Coming to Maya as a LightWave user made for a distressing first encounter. Without knowledge of why Maya is laid out the way it is and why it functions the way it does, the program appears to be an unforgiving hodge-podge of idiosyncrasies. After a few hours of being completely lost and confused the logic started to appear and an incredibly powerful program was unfolding. Unless I end up landing a job with a big studio I don’t see myself working with it much in the future, but that is more due to the price of an Australian commercial license than the software itself.
All-in-all the first week at AIE was positive and I am optimistic about the opportunities the course and institution have to offer.
Turn back ye now! Ahead lies a most self-indulgent post of woe (and hope). Everything is about me. So, run or stay. Your choice! Another year has spun on. My hearing is getting worse, my eyes are deteriorating and my hair is in a slow retreat. Those things I can live with but this break-up weight seriously needs to go. I can still see my toes. Last year was one arsehole of a year, but thanks to some good friends and family, self-medication and therapy I’m still here.
Things are looking a little better and new possibilities beckon. This isn’t to say everything was great when I look back further. The five years I spent with miss X and my second born had many ups and downs, but in many respects, they were the best so far. But when looking all the way back to my first days at high school and every day since, a general lack of direction, self-doubt and existential aliments has resulted in a jumbled, turbulent and unorthodox life to date. Not to mention conflicting and contradictory. So, some good and some bad. Some extraordinarily super periods and some hellish.
I know I’m not alone here. Most people experience at least some of what I’ve been through, and there are plenty who go through much worse. There are far too many that don’t made it through to the other side of their worst days, either because the bad ones keep on rolling on, or because suicide becomes preferable. I got lucky. I didn’t end up dead or a vegetable.
My greatest regrets are letting anxiety get the better of me all to often, living so far away from my eldest, and allowing my relationship with miss X to implode.
And this is where it has all lead to. At 30 years of age I am yet again trying to make a “fresh” start. It was 5 years ago, almost to the day, that I first came to Canberra on the grand reboot, and once again I’m heading back to school at a new institution. Unlike previous attempts I’m feeling more secure in my field of study and have a clearer idea of where I’m going. The future has always been a severe case of writers block. Any clarity is very welcome.
Starting next week (Feb 2nd) I embark on a two year diploma of 3D Animation & VFX for Film at the Academy of Interactive Entertainment. I almost forgot what optimism felt like. That too is also very welcome. The biggest obstacle to overcome in making it through this course will be to settle for “close enough is good enough”. In past studies an unrelenting propensity for perfectionism has lead me to burnout time and again. Of course, perfection is a myth, or at best, a fleeting moment destroyed by it’s mere observation. Good is good enough. Repeat. Practice. Good is good enough.
Hey there random visitor! Welcome to this here blog. My name is Jim. I reside in Canberra Australia, but don’t hold that against me. Life has calmed down a little since I purchased this domain and wrote the introductory blog post (which I never got around to posting). Cyber Age Funk is still just as applicable to my life now as it was then, but I expect this blog will be less self-deprecating angst and more about things I think are cool and worth talking about.
So, what was the angst all about? Well… it had something to do with a breakup of apocalyptic magnitude and attempted suicide. No kidding! But it’s all fine now. No more suicide anyway [/troll bait]. Now with that little piece of history receding into the past it’s way past time I got back to work. My work is not incredibly lucrative and the income it provides has become almost non-existent since the end-of-the-world. But what do I do for peanuts? I write. I blogs (therefore I am). I also make 3D models on the side. My primary blog, which is all about 3D arts, has been in deep freeze for the last several months. It was this blog that was meant to fill the void until I felt up to getting back into that world but huge amounts of cheap wine and slobbing about got in the way.
But here we are! I survived the nuclear winter and all is returning to some sort of normality above ground. I’m still deciding just how I’m going to play this new blog business, but I’m thinking it’ll have a little of everything. I’ve been reading a lot, gaming and toking away on my e-cig, as I ponder on transcending a life of nihilism punctuated with severe bouts of fear and loathing. But let’s not get too philosophical. Not yet anyway. I hardly know you, so let’s take this slow [too creepy?].
Now, just throwing some ideas of what you might read here: fiction, film, writing, games, e-cigs (because they are a rad alternative to dying of tobacco related diseases), interesting science and technology tid-bits, and other assorted geekery. In the interest of staying in the beans and earning from my wordsmithing ways some articles will contain the dreaded affiliate link to stuff I dig. I’m not a marketing trash-bag, so don’t worry, no diet pills and penis enlargement copy/paste posts here.