I stare at the screen
Inside I am torn
I feel like I’m bleeding
But my flesh is whole
The words arriving dead
I sip the wine
And wish for death
Make it quick
Life is fleeting
I don’t want to grow old
Woke up around 2pm this afternoon. I lay there a while contemplating… There were things that should be done. Big things, small things. Stupid things mostly. Maybe suicide was the best option, I thought.
Stuff doesn’t need to be done when you’re dead. Life becomes so much easier. No absurd places to be, no absurd conventions to follow. No one to put on a brave face for. Just simple, infinite oblivion.
There was no one around to come bumbling in on my business. Surely it would be easy…
Eventually I decided to get up and have coffee instead. Put some music on. Talk to friends. Slowly the day appeared a little brighter, but still so many unresolved issues. Huge, sinister incorporeal issues that have no clear line of attack. Things that should bring me joy and comfort, twisted into something I can’t even face.
Put them off another day. Enjoy the small things. The coffee, the music, the friends. Smile and laugh a little. Today is here, so enjoy it.
And now I’m enjoying a fabulous cheap wine. Life is horrible, but it’s also ok, and also fantastic.