Above The Napalm

So I’m thinking about selling all my Earthly possessions and going on a pilgrimage to the bottom of the Pacific ocean. I’d prefer Mars, but hey, those are the breaks. Local… err… political tensions are forcing me to relocate yet again. Not sure where to go from here. Antarctica or the previously mentioned bottom of ocean or Mars would be perfect. Will do science for board and lodging. Put the word out!

Oh, why couldn’t I have been born rich to disappoint my parents in the search of meaning through art? Why be born to a caste where meaning is a state-proscribed luxury? You might not think it to look at my DA, but writing was always my first love. And that’s where I did all my biggest thinking. I love 3D too, but 3D has always offered more carrot. If I’m doomed to be an artist, it’s better to associate with 3D for a living than be a writer and get nothing but stick!

But then life seems to be more stick than carrot the last several years. Some good heights, but a hell of a lot of lows. Every day is a trial of existential puzzles. And I know I’m not alone here, but some people seem to be a lot more adept at dealing with the particularly nasty snares these puzzles contain. I guess I’m a sucker for the “let’s see what happens if I press this” approach. I know, more-or-less, what’s going to happen, but still… Optimist, masochist, or gambler by nature, you decide. Trying to be a normal human animal was the worst snare I triggered. The beautiful things that came from that are indeed majestic, but the suffering that comes fourth is the kind that keeps on giving, and in disproportionate orders.

Every day I suffer with the fallout of trying to be an ordinary human when I knew, deep down, that I was an irredeemable freak. From this I’ve learned that freaks can rarely change their spots, even if they really want to. Man, if only eternal sleep were as easy as saying, see ya later. Wipe it all away and see nothing, feel nothing, be nothing surrounded by nothing. So here I am, trapped on Spaceship Earth with my human cousins and fellow freaks. And I long for the company of my fellow freaks but here we all are just trying to get by, sniffing at all those existential mines that detonate like napalm.

Ah to be born rich and above the napalm. Where those mines are purely academic curiosities.

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